Ok, we here in Maryland have perhaps a slight bit too much free time on our hands. In an effort to share with you all (plural, Jesse) and perhaps spread the love, here are the only 22 acceptable reasons to wake one of us up at 4am.
22 Acceptable Reasons To Wake Us Up At 4am
1. Somebody died
2. You gotta have it (and, to be clear, by “have it” I mean “get some,” by which I mean “intercourse.”)
3. I’m on fire
4. There’s a midget loose in the house.
5. Your roommate just got some, and he needs to tell you about it.
6. The TV that previously had scrambled porn on the porn channel has mysteriously started showing clear porn for free.
7. Your roommate is about to get some, and wants to have some sort of pre-game show, which comprises telling you about it.
8. Your roommate remembers getting some, and wants you to know about it.
9. There’s a fire down at the old beer mill.
10. There’s an emergency A.F.C. meeting.
11. A nuclear holocaust will be starting on the east coast at 430am.
12. Two dogs are humping in the backyard, and it’s really funny.
13. A dog is humping a cat in the backyard, and it’s really funny.
14. You are being humped by a cat or a dog in your “backyard” and it’s really funny.
15. Your “backdoor” is traumatized from your humping the now-clear, porn-prone television while watching your roommate hump a midget cat.
16. You are considering hosting an “A.F.C” anonymous meeting (the A.F.C.A.,) but want to do it again to make sure you WANT to quit.
17. Schwinger is parading around the neighborhood in a dog suit looking for a little bling-bling (by which I mean “action,” meaning “getting’ it on,” which signifies his desire to “lay it on the line,” or, “taking it for the team,” which means “peeling the banana,” otherwise known as “parading around the chocolate Millenium Falcon lookin’ for some wookie,” which is commonly referred to as “having anal sex with a strange man who has no intentions of calling you the next day, and you’re okay with that, and so you make sure to try everything you’ve been thinking about because once you’re married you can’t be parading around the neighborhood looking for wookie.”
18. Will’s made either a Chateaubriand or a rippin’ lentil soup.
19. At approximately 4:02 you will poop your pants.
20. Your roommate is about to poop his pants and a friend wanted to let you know to ready the camera for obvious blackmail reasons.
21. Jenna Jameson stumbled into your living room and would like some sandwiches, only by sandwiches I mean something else.
22. Will is dressed up like Shakespeare again and lecturing the town drunk on "asides."
And that's about it, unless you can think of another?