Saturday, June 26, 2004

We're down to T-minus 5...

Ahhh. I've finally caught up. Five more to go. The Silver Fox grows ever closer.

The Five Worst Baseball Uniforms

5. 1975 Cleveland Indians Road uniform: Bright shocking red jersey and pants. Blue sleeves, socks, and belt. And, arguably the straw that broke the camel's back for me, "Indians" written Wampum-style. That's more cliche than Doc Brown dressing up Marty McFly as 'Atomic Cowboy' in Back To The Future III. Yuck.

4. 1956 Cincinnati Reds Road uniform: Although the belief that a player or team can truly "strike fear" into an opponent is a fallacy, having a logo that resembles a cross between the Pringles guy and a gay train conductor can not possibly help in any way. And for God's sake, the friggin' thing is smiling. That, and the Wicked Witch of the West socks. The worst part of it all, for me, is that it adornes the away jersey. Right. The challenge of playing in another team's stadium isn't enough. Naw, we need the punishment only wearing Mr. Gay Pringles Train Man can bring. By the way, this jersey lasted exactly one season.

3. 1973 Philadelphia Phillies / 1974 Chicago White Sox (all jerseys): ok, you're probably assuming a tie here, right? Well, you're right in that it's a tie, but on a technicality. You see, I'm almost convinced they're the same uniform. And not only are they virtually the same uniform, they're both bad. Although I have to dole out credit to whoever picked the colors. At last, powder blue and crimson. Thank God. Apparently, the general managers went to the same pajama party. Sitting around drinking dad's vermouth from the bottle, listening to Ritchie Valens records, giggling over boys they want to bring to the prom, they both had the same idea simultaneously; these pajamas would make the most darling uniforms! They are, in my admittedly elitist opinion, unattractive uniforms. The fact that two teams (one in each league) happened upon the same essential unform makes these uniforms both Super Mega Ultra Unattractive uniforms and a sign the end is near.

2. 1975 Houston Astros home or road jerseys: At least they tried to be colorful. And they weren't bashful about it, either. Perhaps the uniform design was intentional on the part of the owners. Nolan Ryan wore this uniform, and he could throw about 102 mph. So, to an opposing batter, a pitch would look like a perennial coming at them really fast. And, after all, who'se intimidated by a Geranium, no matter how fast it's going? Yep. 5,714 strikeouts; 3,879 mistaken for flowers. Oh, and as an added bonus, the player's number is on thier thigh. Nothing quite likw having a number near the old ding-ding.

1. 1978 San Diego Padres 3rd uniform: I can see it now. Before each game, the announcer would fire up "September" by Earth Wind & Fire and boom out, "ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, stand up and put your hands together for your Chocolate-stained Thunder!" Speaking of train wrecks, have you seen this uniform? Subcutaneous fat meets Rear Admiral Brownfinger. Imagine being enshrined in the Hall of Fame wearing this accident. Rollie, I'm so sorry.

Ok, a few disclaimers. First, I mean no offense to fans of the teams mentioned. If you don't believe me, take a look at the 1998 Boston Bruins alternate jersey; I bleed too. Also, I found an exemplary website on the history of baseball uniforms.

And I admit, I was a little tougher on these choices than I needed to be. My opinions here don't take into account periodic trends, and other stuff like that.

There you have it!

1 comment:

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