Wednesday, June 16, 2004

The Legend of Katie Stumblepants.

I have had numerous requests of me to tell this sortid tale of lies and deception. And so, like all good men, I am caving in. So gather 'round, my little monkeys, and listen well...

So there I was.

Sitting in the local (the finest pub in Quincy, MA) sipping a pint or three with The Silver Fox (dba The Mason), and Kevin. It's late; like, 1 am or so. The band has just wrapped up for the night, and we are getting ready to do so ourselves. We are sitting at the round-top directly inbetween the exit and the men's room. It's loud. It's smokey. It's everything you are envisioning. As we worked on our lukewarm Belhaven and Miller High Life, a woman approached the table. With the grace and poise of a baby being hit with a cat, she slung arms around me and The Silver Fox (another great story, by the way,) and introduced herself as Katie. We said hello, she said hello and once again introduced herself as Katie. This seemed to please her, so she left.

minutes pass...

the band decides to play one more song...

Katie stumbles back in to use the rest room...

The girl's bathroom is about 50 feet from the table we're at, so we have mucho tiempo para veer la chica quando regresa a nuestra me.....wait a minute. I switched to spanish, didn't I? How embarrasing. Sorry.

The girl's bathroom is about fifty feet from the table we're at, so we have ample time to see the girl when she comes out. She's loaded, and she riccocheting off patrons and bar stools alike. About halfway to us, she sees us, and her eyes light up. Abandoning all caution, she approaches, arms spread wide. The following ensued...

Katie Stumblepants: Hey! Whoo! Zowie!
The Silver Fox: Hello, Katie.
KS: You know my name? Cool. BZANG!
Kevin: Time to go, huh?
KS: I can't! My sister left without me! She was going to pick me up but she left me!
K: Whoa. That sucks!
Thirsty Bunny: Yeah, that sucks a lot.
KS: I'm drunk!
TB: Yes, yes you are.
(TB,incidentally, is the victim here. And, I'm not just saying that because it's me. Well, replace "not saying that" with "saying that.")
KS (looking directly at TB): You need to get your life together.
TB: What?
KS (looking at TSF now): You've got straight lips.
(TSF goes to say something, but KS pounces far too quickly, almost preternaturally)
KS (back at TB): You look like James Woods.
(TB is stunned into silence.)
KS (to K sitting [wisely] silent across the table): You're ok.
K: Gee, thanks.

At this point Katie Stumblepants saunters over to Kevin and slings her arms around him. After a life of searching, she has found her man.

K: Oh no.
TSF: Yep.
TB: Enjoy!
K: Help me.

(TSF goes into the men's room. Minutes pass, TB goes in because the sight of K being accosted by KS is nearly overwhelming.)

TB: Hey, why are you just standing in here?
TSF: I'm not going back out there.
TB: Yeah, me neither.

(TB and TSF stand in the men's room, holding the door for passersthrough, smoking and drinking a beer.)

TSF: This is ridiculous. I'm going out there.
TB: Okay, here we go.

(TB and TSF exit the men's room to immediately find KS trying to something to K's hand that resembled a cross between licking your own feet and coughing up a hairball.)

TB: Oh, God.
TSF: Uh, did we interrupt something?


K: NO!!!
KS: YES!!!

TSF: Well, uh, Katie, we called you a cab.
KS: Oh, I don't need a cab! Kevin will drive me home.
K, TSF, TB: What?
KS (snuggling up to K): Yeah, he'll drive me home.
K, TSF: I don't think so.
TB: I think that's a wonderful idea. Goodnight, Kevin!
K: Shut up, TB!
TSF: Well, Kevin, it does sound pretty tempting!
K: Well then, YOU take her home!
KS: But, Kevin, I want you to do it!
TSF, TB: Yeah, Kevie-wevie! Take her home!
KS: Take me home, Kevin!
K: I, uh, can't.
TSF, TB: Why? You're single and live alone. Why not?
K: You'll pay for this.
TB, TSF: Yep, just not right now.
K: I, uh, oh, look! The cab is here!
KS: But aren't you...
K: Cab's here! Goodnight!
KS: But...
K: Bye!
KS: Can I at le....
K: Bye!

(KS leaves the bar dejected and alone. K promptly smacks TB and TSF. Like I said, I am clearly the victim here.)

End of Scene.

See what I mean? An amazing story, huh? I can't, for the life of me, figure out how the three of us haven't been snagged by either hot chicks or Hollywood by now.

I hope you enjoyed this tale. If you're all good and I get beer, I might regale you next time with the The Silver Fox

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